Tanier?s Team Reviews: The Seattle Seahawks, via Pete Carroll and Russell Wil... ...more »
Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.
(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).
In this segment, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll breaks down his team's offseason moves.
PETE CARROLL: What an awesome day! The sun is shining! The birds are chirping! Let me give a shout out to all the folks at The Circle Perk coffee shop for working so hard to keep all of us energized! And to all the crossing guards making sure kids get to school safely! And to the Seattle-area sewer workers: you guys are the thin line that separates good citizens from their own filth, and I cannot thank you enough!
Fans really need to get amped about our three-way quarterback battle. The front-runner is Matt Flynn, who got America totally stoked in that awesome Packers-Lions game in Week 17. Next, there's rookie Russell Wilson, who is short but fiery. Isn't that right, Russell?
RUSSELL WILSON: Grrrrrr...
PETE CARROLL: I love this kid! He's like a feral cat! And finally, there's Tarvaris Jackson, the Taylor Hicks of NFL quarterbacks. You don't like him, you keep expecting him to lose, and then bang! He finds a way to win a starting job, if not many games.
But enough about the offense. Let's talk defense!! We are going to have one of the best front sevens in the NFL!! Defensive tackle Jason Jones had a great, if quiet, season for the Titans last year. First-round pick Bruce Irvin may have seemed like a reach, but that is only because West Virginia had this crazy idea that a 245-pound speedster was a good fit at defensive end. I like my defensive ends Red Bryant-sized! When I am not being enthusiastic about everything, you can find me in my office drawing up creative defenses, and Irvin is going to be everywhere the offense doesn't expect him to be!!!
Irvin and Wilson had awesome rookie camps. In fact, all of the rookies had awesome camps, as did our parking lot attendants and the people who work so hard to make sure the office wastebaskets are clean enough to guzzle energy drink out of!! Let me dedicate my Song of the Day to the rookies: "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + the Machine! That's right: I'm a 60-year old man who listens to Florence + the Machine!!! Nicky Minaj, too! And don't forget Ke$ha, who is tiny and has a nasty attitude, just like Russell Wilson!!!
RUSSELL WILSON: Grrrr?
PETE CARROLL: Excellent growling, buddy!!
Tanier?s Team Reviews: The Arizona Cardinals, via Kevin Kolb (Shutdown Corner) ...more »
Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.
(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).
In this segment, Cardinals quarterback (at least for now) Kevin Kolb breaks down the Arizona Cardinals' offseason moves.
KEVIN KOLB: Howdy folks. Don't mind me. I'm just tyin' a few flies, polishin' up the outboard motor, gettin' ready to hit the lake. Goin' fishin' right after we're done. It won't take long, 'cuz the Cardinals didn't do much this offseason.
We didn't get a new quarterback for one thing. Sure, the team chased Peyton Manning, but that was one big river bass with a lot of fight in him. So the quarterback job is mine to lose. And don't you worry, I'm gonna lose it.
It's not that John Skelton is any better than me: he may have led just as many fourth-quarter comebacks as Tim Tebow last year (four), but only city slickers and TV blowhards in fancy suits pay attention to those cow chips. I just have no idea what to do in the pocket. So the third or fourth time I roll to my right and get dragged down by Aldon Smith or somebody, Coach Whisenhunt's gonna decide it's time to cut some fresh bait.
I know Larry Fitzgerald's happy about our new second receiver, Malcolm Floyd. Floyd liked to hit the honky-tonks in college, but he's a big guy, and when he wants to be, he can be as fast as a boar gettin' flushed by three hound dogs.
Tanier?s Team Reports: The Carolina Panthers, via Jerry Richardson (Shutdown ... ...more »
Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.
(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).
In this segment, Panthers owner Jerry Richardson breaks down his team's offseason moves.
JERRY RICHARDSON: Why the hell do you need me to break down the offseason moves? Can't you dumb kids read a depth chart? Do I have to sit next to you and spell it out? C-A-M-N-E-W-T-O-N. Young people these days are about as sharp as a bag of packing peanuts. First, Peyton Manning and Drew Brees cannot read a revenue chart at the collective bargaining table without me holding their hands and giving them the See Spot Run treatment. Now, you Internet people cannot read a depth chart.
We drafted Luke Kuechly. He is going to be a starter at linebacker. He is my kind of player, because I know I won't have to check him for any weird tattoos or piercings after he gets his money. And thanks to the rookie wage scale, he won't get that much money. Though it is still too damn much. A kid plays in the NFL three years and he has enough money to own his own team. I played for two years and I only had enough money to buy a fast-food franchise. It's a totally different situation! Anyway, Kuechly made 532 tackles in three Boston College seasons, and he is a fine young man, unlike most of the ungrateful whelps in the league these days, with their collective bargaining and expectation of fair treatment.
Our major free agent acquisition was fullback Mike Tolbert. We already have running backs DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, and of course Cam Newton can run as well as throw, so I believe we should run the wishbone. Can't you see it? Fake the handoff to Tolbert, have Newton run right with two pitch options behind him. It would be great! We could have run it in 1959, with Alan Ameche, Lenny Moore, and Mike Sommer, and yours truly on the wing. But nooo. Johnny Unitas had to be a prima donna "dropback" passer.
That's right: I have a problem with Unitas, too. I'm an angry person. I fired my own sons, for heaven's sake.
Tanier?s Team Reports: The Miami Dolphins, via Jeff Ireland (Shutdown Corner) ...more »
Any website can post "offseason grades" for NFL teams, mixing the draft and free agency into transaction soup, then straining it through the mind of some sportswriter who doesn't know who half the players are. Only the Shutdown Corner has the resources to get actual players, coaches, and executives from each team to evaluate their own offseasons! That's right: over the next few weeks, you will get transaction evaluations straight from the horse's mouths: straight talk about who was signed, who was lost, who was drafted, and why.
(For the satirically challenged: all player, coach, and executive remarks are made by an impersonator).
In this segment, Dolphins general manager Jeff Ireland breaks down his team's offseason moves.
JEFF IRELAND: Have we started? We have? So I just type and words appear on that Internet thing? Okay.
First of all, let me tell fans about our exciting season ticket offer. You get four tickets to a game, four swordfish tacos, four sodas, a Cameron Wake bobblehead, a copy of Ricky Martin's new EP El Olor de la Desesperacion , and a coupon for a 10% off Oil Change for $100. It's the best deal in town. Operators are standing by, I think. I may have forgotten to hire operators. I better call the temp agency after I finish this offseason report. Anyway, order now before the seats on the 50-yard line against the Patriots are all sold out. And if you get a busy signal, send an email, or something.
I suppose I should give my side of the awkward Peyton Manning situation. I had Manning's agent's number programmed into my cell phone, but then when I tried to upgrade, the kid at the mall kiosk said that the numbers did not transfer over. So I posted on Facebook: "Help! New Cell Phone! Need Numbers!" Well, my cousin got back to me, and the dry cleaner, but most people did not leave their numbers, including Tom Condon. So, I followed him on Twitter and sent him several messages to follow me back so I could direct message him an offer, but he never responded. I even tried calling Bud Adams while Manning was meeting with him in Tennessee, but Adams' secretary put me on hold for over fifteen minutes. So I just gave up.
That will never happen again, folks: I sprung for the data backup plan for my new cell phone at $9.99 per month. The kid at the kiosk said all of my important numbers are stored in the clouds, or something. I think he was high.
So then we called Mike Flynn. I told him straight out: Mark Flynn, I said, you are our second choice. And you have to expect to be treated like a second choice and paid like a second choice. Then, Mitch Flynn must have had his own phone problems, because the line went dead. Honesty is the best policy, I think. Meanwhile, I forgot the pass code to check my phone messages, so I didn't realize that Chad Henne signed with the Jaguars until I read it in a fan blog.
We now have David Garrard, Matt Moore, and rookie Ryan Tannehill at quarterback. Tannehill is very talented but very raw, because he played wide receiver for much of his college career. Garrard and Moore are both journeymen who won't kill you if they have to start for a few months. The most logical thing to do, in my opinion, is to name Tannehill the starter, put incredible amounts of pressure on him, become very critical of any early-season mistakes, then shuffle Moore and Garrard into the lineup as soon as we have a losing streak. Then, Tannehill can get his confidence back by sitting on the bench and dwelling on his mistakes, and maybe running one Wildcat play per game. Right now, he may be our third-best receiver. It's the best technique for developing a rookie quarterback I can think of. I sent the full proposal in an email to coach Joe Philbin. It got returned because I spelled his address wrong.